10-Point Check-Up for Your Relationship, Part 1

Short on time? Listen to the audio version of this post.

This month, James and I will celebrate our five-month anniversary! Each month, we’ve started the habit of doing a check-up on our relationship. It’s nothing formal, just a moment to pause and ask each other if we’re driving the other crazy yet. I’m glad to report that we haven’t!

In all seriousness, though, I appreciate this check-up, because it invites honesty, transparency, and a chance to make misunderstandings right early before something becomes a larger issue.

Did you know that I Corinthians 13 provides a check-up list of its own? If you replace the word “love” with your name, you have a basic check list of the behaviors you need to practice in order to love well.

Right, that’s easier said than done. But let’s give it a try and see how we do.

#1: I ______ am patient and kind.

Fill your name in the blank. I’ll go first. I, Kristen, am patient and kind.

Well, I typically am kind, but patient, not so much. Perhaps that’s why I’m thankful patience is one of James’ strengths. He helps bring my anxious heart back to center and reminds me that sometimes, God just asks us to wait. And that’s okay.

There’s an interesting connection between both these virtues and our relationship with the Lord. Consider these verses:

  • “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him” (Psalm 37:7 NKJV, emphasis added).
  • “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NKJV, emphasis added)

When we are resting in the Lord and keeping Him as our center, we can be more patient with our spouse or in any other circumstance. Moreover, when we live in the light of God’s ultimate kindness and forgiveness, we more often remember to extend grace to those around us.

#2: I ______ do not envy.

Ouch. This one is hard for most relationships. If you don’t have a relationship, you might envy your friends who do. If you’re in a relationship, you might envy someone else’s. After all, according to social media, they’re perfect and have life all together.

The truth is, they probably don’t, and we don’t either. So let’s remind ourselves not to waste our energy envying. A synonym for envy is covetousness, and the Apostle Paul warns against this sin for one fundamental reason.

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.'” (Hebrews 13:5 NKJV)

We can be satisfied with our current relationship or situation, because when we have God’s presence in our lives, we have what we truly need.

#3: I ______ do not boast.

Do you often find yourself bragging about your accomplishments to your SO? If so, boasting might be a problem.

Although there’s nothing wrong in taking ownership for a job well done, Scripture only commends “boasting” when we redirect the glory back to God. For example, Paul “boasts” in his weakness so that Christ’s strength can be magnified in his life (2 Corinthians 12:9). In that same letter to the Corinthians, he also provides the guidelines for when boasting is appropriate:

 But “he who glories, let him glory in the Lord.”  For not he who commends himself is approved, but whom the Lord commends. (2 Corinthians 10:17-18 NKJV)

When we find ourselves craving affirmation, we need to be careful. God’s approval should be our primary concern (Galatians 1:10).

#4: I ______ am not proud.

The opposite of pride is humility, and both are attitudes expressed through our actions. Even if you don’t think this sin is your problem, ask yourself: How was my attitude about going the extra mile when my spouse forgot to do something? Did I mumble about giving more than my share in the relationship? Remember, pride looks out for “I,” but humility looks out for “U.”

Marriage has definitely revealed to me areas in my life where selfishness is present. Usually, pride rears its ugly head in “pressure-cooker” moments, such as when I’m tired, not feeling 100%, or had a tough day at work.

However, making excuses is not the solution. God’s grace is.

“God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6b NKJV)

That verse tells me God is more interested in my character than my comfort, but He won’t abandon me when I choose attitudes that please Him. He’ll give more grace as He prunes my pride.

#5: I ______ do not dishonor others.

Word to the wise: Never ever embarrass or belittle your SO in front of others. However, dishonor can also be a private matter as well. Do your words build up or tear down?

Our tongues hold such potential and also such danger. The Apostle James warns that the tongue is “an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8 NKJV). Eek! “Deadly poison” should not describe how we talk to anyone, let alone the people we love.

Next week, we’ll look at five more check-ups for our relationships, based on this passage. Plus, I’ll offer a download that puts them all in one place, a great resource to share with the one(s) we love and start a conversation about how we’re doing.

Till next time, love well!

~ Kristen

Tweetable

10-Point Check-Up for Your Relationship, Part 1 – @kjhogrefe (Click to Tweet)

You Don’t Have to Be Great to Start

New Years is typically the time of year people set health and fitness resolutions, but according to Forbes, the follow-through is pretty slim (under 25%). We’re approaching the half-way mark of 2019, and if you’ve already failed at a goal, I want to challenge you to start fresh.

Maybe my personal story will help you feel less intimidated by the idea of joining a gym or tackling whatever goal you have yet to reach. Although I have been a runner for about a decade now, I’ve never joined a gym. Personally, I prefer running outdoors over using a treadmill and have always enjoyed home workouts. These sometimes include an over-the-door pull-up bar and YouTube yoga videos, such as the ones by EkhartYoga and Yoga with Adrienne.

However, my husband enjoys the gym, so when we got married, we both agreed to share in each other’s hobbies. He runs with me occasionally, and I’ve joined a gym with him.

Though I didn’t actually say this thought out loud, I was pretty sure I was going to hate the gym.  Turns out, just the opposite is true. I only had to change my mindset. If I can, so can you.

#1: Get over yourself.

Ouch. There’s no sugar-coating that sentence. In other words, most of us tend to be self-conscious and worried that people are watching us. The truth is, of course, that they aren’t. They’re watching themselves, worried that we’re watching them. It’s a vicious cycle.

Although we may cite embarrassment or self-consciousness as the the culprits keeping us out of the gym, the real reason is pride. We don’t want people to think “less” of us. We don’t want to set ourselves up to look silly at something we’re not good at. On that note, let’s clear the air with the reality that no one is naturally good at anything. Even though we all have inherent gifts and abilities from God, unless we work to develop them, we’ll never excel.

The Bible tell us that “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (I Peter 5:5b NKJV). Isn’t that a wonderful thought? He gives grace. We mostly think of that grace in terms of our spiritual shortcomings, but I believe God also extends His generosity into the ordinary, everyday parts of our lives.

So go ahead. Buy yourself a comfy and trendy workout outfit as long as you’re actually going to use it and not just lounge in it for Netflix marathons.

#2: Learn from others.

I’m a notorious people watcher, so maybe there is a tiny bit of truth that I might be watching you, if you happen to join my gym. The reason is not so I can poke fun at or envy you. On that note, comparison can be a subtle little monster, and we must avoid it like the plague. The Bible makes clear that comparing ourselves with ourselves is not wise in any pursuit (2 Corinthians 10:12.)

Instead, we should want to learn from each other. I’ve seen several ladies doing different free-weight workouts that have given me new ideas for my own. Interacting with other people, regardless of our location or activity, can inspire new creativity and ideas we otherwise wouldn’t have imagined.

#3: Do life with people.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness can turn even the most friendly of us into hermits. Maybe we feel as though we won’t fit in or belong. Whatever subconscious lies the enemy is feeding us, we must choose not to listen to them, because we need community. We need friends to help us get out of our comfort zones and try something new.

Accountability is a huge part of committing to and sticking with our goals.  Each of us might have different personal motivations, but regardless, we need friends and family who can be our cheerleaders and also keep us in check.

If you’re wanting to set new fitness goals, find someone who can help you work to meet them. Maybe it’s a gym buddy or a friend who can walk or jog with you. Even if you can’t train together every week, you can at least send friendly reminders and follow-ups to see if you’re both sticking with the plan.

At the end of the day, we must remember that we’re the ones who are ultimately responsible for our choices. Do we make sacrifices to meet our goals? Are we willing to plan accordingly? Or are we only content to work toward our goals if they’re convenient or feel comfortable? (Reality check: Meeting goals is rarely convenient or comfortable.)

At my gym, there are motivational signs peppered throughout the building. One of them caught my attention recently, and all it said was, “You don’t have to be great to start.”

The key is simply to start. As William Wordsworth so eloquently said, “To begin, begin.”

No excuses.

Kristen

I’m grateful this post first appeared on DailyPS.com.

Tweetable

You don’t have to be great to start. – @kjhogrefe (Click to Tweet)